Value Essay Comments

Value Essay Comments

Chealsea from B Block

Hi Chelsea!

I can clearly tell that your two experiences are with your purse and your morning routine. I think it's more clear that you value your purse more. I really liked how much imagery you had in both of your stories. I felt like your words were coming to life and I could see what was happening.
I found your experiences with your purse more vivid and clear. You used a lot of really descriptive words. For example: "I walk down the hallway of the mall; I pull back the zipper and take out my favorite lip-gloss and a mirror, and smear some on to my full pale pink lips. Then I check the rest of my appearance in the mirror before sliding it carefully back into my lavender crescent moon shaped Coach purse." That sentence really made me picture the scene a lot better.

I think your strongest part of this prose would be your diction. It really helped me imagine the scene. I felt connected to the stories because of this. It made the writing sound more genuine.

I think that something that would help your essay flow better would be different word choices. Try mixing them up so when you're reading it out loud, it sounds even more genuine. For example, using he instead of my dad or vice versa. I also saw a lot of "thens" in there. Try taking them out and leaving the sentence as it is.

Great essay!

Jess from B Block

At the beginning of your necklace story, it was a little unclear. The moment you started talking about the necklace, I instantly knew what it was about. I don't think you need to change much of anything there, I just wanted to point it out. I liked your cheer leading competition story. It made me feel excited!
I think that the cheer leading competition had the most imagery. I think that the necklace story was more descriptive. Maybe if you went more in depth about the cheer leading competition, it would be twice as good.

The introduction was really good. It really made me think, which it should. For example, this line was a bit mind boggling, but completely true: "But I think that the one thing that will always stay priceless, that has in the past and always will be, are memories."

Your essay is so good, I don't know what to tell you to change. The only thing I noticed were some spelling mistakes, but that's it. I really liked your essay!

Brittany from D Block

You state what your priceless and priced items are right away. I think that's a good thing. I would just try to lead up to it a bit more. I think that, by the way you say it, you value your friends more than your music.

I think that the party was described more than listening to your music after school. I think you might want to try adding more of a story to the iPod part. I think it would make your essay seem a lot longer and more exciting. Even though it is already those two things.

I think your biggest strength would be your imagery. You really describe what you are doing and how you are feeling well. You put a lot of your characteristics into your writing, which I think is wonderful.

I think you could use a bit more depth in your writing. You could state how your feeling or why your feeling that. Other than that, your essay was filled with imagery and character!

Desi from D Block

I could completely understand what your essay was just from your title. It's very creative. In the stories, there were a lot similes, metaphors, and imagery. This made your essay ten times better than other people's!

I think your ice skating story was the most genuine. Your words were so inspiring! I can't believe how good that one came out. I could really relate to you cell phone story, which made it more realistic.

I think your strongest trait in this essay was your diction. Some of the images I got from it were mind blowing. I really liked it. For example: "My blades hit the ice and im in another world."

I would consider revising your word for spelling or grammar errors. You might want to make sure that everything flows together and sounds smooth. Wonderful job!

Marrisa from F Block

Marrisa, I really liked your stories. They had lots of wonderful imagery in them. I could totally relate to each of your experiences.

I think your time at the beach was more vivid than listening to your ipod. There were a lot of descriptive points in it.

Your overall strenghs were your diction. You were incredibly descriptive. That made the essay seem realistic.

There aren't many things I would change to this essay. Try making it flow more and alternate your words.

Nina from F Block

Hey, Nina.

I think your items were very clear. Your ice skating and your mp3 player were described very well. I really liked this line "Music inspires me. Music keeps me going through the day." becuase I could relate to it.

I think that your ice skating was described better.

I would right a longer story for your mp3 player and make your conclusion more obvious.